i often wonder what it’d be like if i died. not so much about where i’ll go, although that’s rather important, but what will happen without me, who would truly miss me etc. in a matter of days i will be leaving all my friends and family and moving cities. i realise this barely compares but it sill makes me wonder, or rather, worry, if i’ve made enough of an impact on those i love or made something or someone here a little bit better than if i just didn’t exist. i’ve never even moved house and now i am moving out of home by myself to a new city. i understand dwelling on the past is pretty much useless, but i’m not sure whether i’m worried about stepping into the unknown or more worried about if i have done what i was supposed to and the best i could in the known. and the weirdest thing is that i’ll never truly know. i’ll never know if people really miss me or realise who i’ve been to them or this place.
i’m a little bit afraid..
letting go
the worst part is that you can help and keep promising you only want the best for me. you could fix this, but you chose not to.
there are moments that make all the wothlessness, all the confusion all the hurting, make sense. and those moments, the ones that send shivers, the good kind, up your spine or force the corners of your mouth upwards are the ones that make the memories that you want to relive over again. when you look at pictures and envision yourself in that situation and realise how wonderful these moments are you too comprehend how impossible it is to live in them as each one only lasts for so long. when they bring that understanding, that realisation, that happiness, it should make you wish to pursue them more and further, so that they join together and are no longer moments, no longer memories, but your life.
it’s not that we’re scared, it’s just that it’s delicate
so there’s a million things i’d like to write here, i’d love to spill out my feelings, what i’m searching for, what thoughts are flooding my mind and as i go to do so i realise, what’s the point? what would i be achieving if i let the world know who i really am. apart from freedom for myself, nothing. so instead i will pretend to daydream whilst staring at the raindrops hitting the window as if they’re just trying to prove there’s no stopping them and write mindlessly for a release. maybe this is what this is, a release, that’s the purpose. and although it serves nothing for anyone else in the entire world apart from, perhaps, taking up a miniscule piece of the internet the earth posseses, it saves me from releasing it on the shouldres of an undeserving acquaintance. hello tumblr.
